AndyFettes
Master at Arms
Funny read on
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her
Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage
yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect
incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation
of your independence, effective immediately. (You should
look up revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and
territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a
Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire
may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether
any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as
'colour,' 'favour,' labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you
will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the
suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up
'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is
no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted
to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the
elimination of '-ize.
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using
guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so
many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite
ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for
shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to
shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a
permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable
peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and
you will start driving on the left side with immediate
effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate
effect and without the benefit of conversion tables
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand
the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you
have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get
used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call
French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist
on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real
chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not
with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is
not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British
Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of
known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound
for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can
only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British
Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands
will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all
can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required
occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood
will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience
akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There are
only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and
rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has
some similarities to American football, but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full
kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a
game which is not played outside of America. Since only
2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders,
your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and
we will let you face the Australians (World dominators)
first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us
mad. -----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper
cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality
biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream)
when in season.
God Save the Queen!
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her
Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage
yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect
incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation
of your independence, effective immediately. (You should
look up revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and
territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a
Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire
may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether
any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as
'colour,' 'favour,' labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you
will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the
suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up
'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is
no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted
to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the
elimination of '-ize.
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using
guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so
many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite
ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for
shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to
shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a
permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable
peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and
you will start driving on the left side with immediate
effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate
effect and without the benefit of conversion tables
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand
the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you
have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get
used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call
French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist
on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real
chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not
with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is
not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British
Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of
known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound
for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can
only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British
Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands
will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all
can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required
occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood
will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience
akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There are
only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and
rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has
some similarities to American football, but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full
kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a
game which is not played outside of America. Since only
2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders,
your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and
we will let you face the Australians (World dominators)
first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us
mad. -----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper
cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality
biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream)
when in season.
God Save the Queen!
