RichB
Well-known member
Long John Index
The Long John Index is a 'not-scientific-whatsoever' method of measuring when, and if, one should be wearing a pair of thermal long underwear, known more commonly in the Dominion of Canada as 'Long Johns”. The Long John Index originated in the Arctic Capital of Edmonton, Alberta, in the second decade of the 21st Century. It is used mainly for edutainment and gambling purposes.
The Index runs on a scale from 1 to 5; 1 being the lowest, and 5 being the highest. The Index corresponds to weather conditions, including air temperature as well as that Wind Chill, which was invented so people can brag about living through -68 degrees, even though it was really only -31 degrees. The Higher the number (or rating if you will) the more your very survival depends on wearing a pair of Long Johns.
The Long John Index ratings are as follows:
1 – Low/Wimpy - Temperatures between 0 and – 10 degrees Celsius, No Windchill.
Long Johns shouldn’t be needed, unless one is spending 7+ hours outside with no touque and standing so still they might be mistaken for one of those creepy living mannequins. Any movement will generate enough body heat to not need Long Johns. Hell, blinking will generate enough body heat to keep you warm. If you are wearing them at this temperature, hang your head in shame, and go back to Vancouver.
2 – Moderate – Temperature between 0 and – 10, with measurable Windchill.
Long Johns probably a good idea if you are spending more than an hour or so outdoors. You shouldn’t need them for short commutes or jaywalking. Probably best to start diggin'em out of the ol'underpants drawer, as if it gets any colder, you’ll need'em!
3 – High – Temperature between -10 and – 20.
Long Johns should be worn for being outdoors for anything more than half-an-hour. You may also want to look into some for your pets. And, if it gets any colder, you may start sleeping in these things, so best to get a backup pair.
4 – Crazy High – Temperature between – 20 and – 30.
Long Johns should be worn if you are outdoors for more than 10 minutes. It’s bleeping cold. If you aren’t wearing any, you’ll get that freezing, yet for some reason burning, sensation on your upper thighs. That’s your thigh’s way of freaking out wondering why it’s so cold. Your thighs hate you right now.
5 – Effin' Nuts – Temperatures of – 30 and worse – Windchill no longer matters.
Long Johns should be worn INDOORS. Don’t even bother going outdoors. Don’t even look at the outdoors, unless you have Long Johns for your eyes. It’s that cold. Just grab some comic books and some hot chocolate and go back to bed. When it’s nice out, someone will tell you.
The Acceptable Workplace Toque Hair Limit
The "Acceptable Workplace Toque Hair Limit" is the minimum temperature wherein "Toque Hair" becomes acceptable, BY LAW, in any workplace in Canada. Once the "Acceptable Workplace Toque Hair Limit" has been reached, all citizens must be allowed perform his or her workplace duties, be they a teacher, judge, television news anchor, or politician, regardless of whether or not they suffer from "Toque Hair", and cannot be disciplined, reprimanded in any way, shape or form.
The "Acceptable Workplace Toque Hair Limit" is set by the provinces and territories and is as follows:
Alberta, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, Yukon, Northwest Territories, Nunavut: -25 Degrees Celsius
Western Ontario: -17.5 Degrees Celsius
Southern Ontario: -8 Degrees Celsius
Quebec: -20 Degrees Celsius
Nova Scotia, Prince Edward Island, New Brunswick, Newfoundland and Labrador: -19 Degrees Celsius
British Columbia: +2 Degrees Celsius
Employers who discipline or reprimand employees for hair related offenses when the "Acceptable Workplace Toque Hair Limit" has been reached can be charged under "Her Majesty's Criminal Code of the Dominion of Canada" and are subject to fines in excess of $300,000 and/or having their own individual touque privileges revoked.
The Polar Bear Alert
Polar Bear Alerts are issued during snowfall or blizzard conditions. Polar Bears, who are nature's most devious and intelligent animals, use their white fur as camouflage, which allows them to sneak up on unsuspecting, Tim Hortons guzzling Canucks.
Cheers,
Rich
The Long John Index is a 'not-scientific-whatsoever' method of measuring when, and if, one should be wearing a pair of thermal long underwear, known more commonly in the Dominion of Canada as 'Long Johns”. The Long John Index originated in the Arctic Capital of Edmonton, Alberta, in the second decade of the 21st Century. It is used mainly for edutainment and gambling purposes.
The Index runs on a scale from 1 to 5; 1 being the lowest, and 5 being the highest. The Index corresponds to weather conditions, including air temperature as well as that Wind Chill, which was invented so people can brag about living through -68 degrees, even though it was really only -31 degrees. The Higher the number (or rating if you will) the more your very survival depends on wearing a pair of Long Johns.
The Long John Index ratings are as follows:
1 – Low/Wimpy - Temperatures between 0 and – 10 degrees Celsius, No Windchill.
Long Johns shouldn’t be needed, unless one is spending 7+ hours outside with no touque and standing so still they might be mistaken for one of those creepy living mannequins. Any movement will generate enough body heat to not need Long Johns. Hell, blinking will generate enough body heat to keep you warm. If you are wearing them at this temperature, hang your head in shame, and go back to Vancouver.
2 – Moderate – Temperature between 0 and – 10, with measurable Windchill.
Long Johns probably a good idea if you are spending more than an hour or so outdoors. You shouldn’t need them for short commutes or jaywalking. Probably best to start diggin'em out of the ol'underpants drawer, as if it gets any colder, you’ll need'em!
3 – High – Temperature between -10 and – 20.
Long Johns should be worn for being outdoors for anything more than half-an-hour. You may also want to look into some for your pets. And, if it gets any colder, you may start sleeping in these things, so best to get a backup pair.
4 – Crazy High – Temperature between – 20 and – 30.
Long Johns should be worn if you are outdoors for more than 10 minutes. It’s bleeping cold. If you aren’t wearing any, you’ll get that freezing, yet for some reason burning, sensation on your upper thighs. That’s your thigh’s way of freaking out wondering why it’s so cold. Your thighs hate you right now.
5 – Effin' Nuts – Temperatures of – 30 and worse – Windchill no longer matters.
Long Johns should be worn INDOORS. Don’t even bother going outdoors. Don’t even look at the outdoors, unless you have Long Johns for your eyes. It’s that cold. Just grab some comic books and some hot chocolate and go back to bed. When it’s nice out, someone will tell you.
The Acceptable Workplace Toque Hair Limit
The "Acceptable Workplace Toque Hair Limit" is the minimum temperature wherein "Toque Hair" becomes acceptable, BY LAW, in any workplace in Canada. Once the "Acceptable Workplace Toque Hair Limit" has been reached, all citizens must be allowed perform his or her workplace duties, be they a teacher, judge, television news anchor, or politician, regardless of whether or not they suffer from "Toque Hair", and cannot be disciplined, reprimanded in any way, shape or form.
The "Acceptable Workplace Toque Hair Limit" is set by the provinces and territories and is as follows:
Alberta, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, Yukon, Northwest Territories, Nunavut: -25 Degrees Celsius
Western Ontario: -17.5 Degrees Celsius
Southern Ontario: -8 Degrees Celsius
Quebec: -20 Degrees Celsius
Nova Scotia, Prince Edward Island, New Brunswick, Newfoundland and Labrador: -19 Degrees Celsius
British Columbia: +2 Degrees Celsius
Employers who discipline or reprimand employees for hair related offenses when the "Acceptable Workplace Toque Hair Limit" has been reached can be charged under "Her Majesty's Criminal Code of the Dominion of Canada" and are subject to fines in excess of $300,000 and/or having their own individual touque privileges revoked.
The Polar Bear Alert
Polar Bear Alerts are issued during snowfall or blizzard conditions. Polar Bears, who are nature's most devious and intelligent animals, use their white fur as camouflage, which allows them to sneak up on unsuspecting, Tim Hortons guzzling Canucks.
Cheers,
Rich
