-
Modelers Alliance has updated the forum software on our website. We have migrated all post, content and user accounts but we could not migrate the passwords.
This requires that you manually reset your password.
Please click here, http://modelersalliance.org/forums/login to go to logon page and use the "Forgot your Password" option.
Joke Of The Day
- Thread starter Iron Mike
- Start date
Sherman 18
Master at Arms
Swordsman
Active member
Now that's funny ... Right there ...
For me Texan Friend
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted". Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor.. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted". Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor.. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.
Swordsman
Active member
Those are some mighty fine jokes my friends ... the chili one I'd heard before ... the 1st time brought tears to my eyes one of the world's funniest Dave ... thanks ... I once went to London and got in a joke telling do-hicky ... I found back then ... (Before PC) that all the jokes in the world were the same ... just about different people ... Now us Texans have lots of jokes told about Us ... and We find them funny but ... when We tell a joke back aimed at the same folks that aimed it at Us they seem to take offence ... 
Swordsman
Active member
The Chili I made for the church would have been #10 ... on the list ....
First Dump
1 Tbsp. Dixon Medium Hot [Mild Bills]
1 Tbsp. Cowtown Lite [Mild Bills]
1 Tbsp. Mexene Chili Powder
2 tsp. Wyler’s beef bouillon granules
2 tsp. Wyler’s chicken bouillon granules
2 tsp. granulated onion
1/4 tsp. cayenne pepper
1/8 tsp. salt
Second Dump
1 Tbsp. Mexene Chili Powder
1 Tbsp. Cowtown Lite [Mild Bills]
2 Tbsp. San Antonio Original [Mild Bills]
1/8 tsp. Black pepper
1/8 tsp. Terlingua Dust
1 Tbsp. Cumin
2 tsp. Granulated Garlic
1 package Sazon Goya
Directions:
In a 4 quart pot brown 2 pounds of meat (chili grind or ground chuck); then drain in colander and set aside. Remove all grease from pot with a paper towel. Next add one can of beef broth, 1/2 can of chicken broth, 1 can 8oz tomato sauce, and float 1 medium Serrano pepper. Bring to a boil. Once it is boiling add first dump of powders and cook for about 10 minutes at a high heat.
Next add drained meat and bring temp down to low heat and cook for about 35 to 45 minutes depending on location of cook off with the lid on at all times. Once this cooking step is complete, turn off heat and let chili rest in pot for one hour. Remove Serrano pepper with slotted spoon, squeeze out extra juices from pepper then discard.
Bring back to a boil and add second dump. Then reduce heat to low and cook for 30 minutes. (Cook till chili powders are complete dissolved). Add liquid as needed and 1/8 tsp cayenne for heat if needed.
Check for salt and heat adjust if necessary.
On top of all this I added ... some Homegrown peppers a friend told me would make it hotter ... Plus two Ghost peppers .... The Kids lined up and my Crock pot was emptied in about 90 seconds ... I barley got a bowl for myself ... I had heard them whispering (That Guy's chili over there is Hot Must Have been ... they Hit it like Chickens on a June Bug ... The joke was on me as I thought this chili would be so Hot in spices that I would have some ... for breakfast the next day ... Wrong !!!
First Dump
1 Tbsp. Dixon Medium Hot [Mild Bills]
1 Tbsp. Cowtown Lite [Mild Bills]
1 Tbsp. Mexene Chili Powder
2 tsp. Wyler’s beef bouillon granules
2 tsp. Wyler’s chicken bouillon granules
2 tsp. granulated onion
1/4 tsp. cayenne pepper
1/8 tsp. salt
Second Dump
1 Tbsp. Mexene Chili Powder
1 Tbsp. Cowtown Lite [Mild Bills]
2 Tbsp. San Antonio Original [Mild Bills]
1/8 tsp. Black pepper
1/8 tsp. Terlingua Dust
1 Tbsp. Cumin
2 tsp. Granulated Garlic
1 package Sazon Goya
Directions:
In a 4 quart pot brown 2 pounds of meat (chili grind or ground chuck); then drain in colander and set aside. Remove all grease from pot with a paper towel. Next add one can of beef broth, 1/2 can of chicken broth, 1 can 8oz tomato sauce, and float 1 medium Serrano pepper. Bring to a boil. Once it is boiling add first dump of powders and cook for about 10 minutes at a high heat.
Next add drained meat and bring temp down to low heat and cook for about 35 to 45 minutes depending on location of cook off with the lid on at all times. Once this cooking step is complete, turn off heat and let chili rest in pot for one hour. Remove Serrano pepper with slotted spoon, squeeze out extra juices from pepper then discard.
Bring back to a boil and add second dump. Then reduce heat to low and cook for 30 minutes. (Cook till chili powders are complete dissolved). Add liquid as needed and 1/8 tsp cayenne for heat if needed.
Check for salt and heat adjust if necessary.
On top of all this I added ... some Homegrown peppers a friend told me would make it hotter ... Plus two Ghost peppers .... The Kids lined up and my Crock pot was emptied in about 90 seconds ... I barley got a bowl for myself ... I had heard them whispering (That Guy's chili over there is Hot Must Have been ... they Hit it like Chickens on a June Bug ... The joke was on me as I thought this chili would be so Hot in spices that I would have some ... for breakfast the next day ... Wrong !!!
Swordsman
Active member
So anyway did you hear the one about the Texan who wanted to go Grizzly Bear Hunting in Alaska ... ??
When He got there He hired some guides ... they took Him out to the hunting lodge ... and told Him they would go hunting in the morning ...
The Texan said Naw I'ma going right now ....
About thirty minutes later ... the Texan is beating on the front door ... the guides open the door in comes the Texan with a Grizzly behind Him ....
As He opens the back door & runs out ... He say's "Ya'll skin this one I'ma going after another one" ...
When He got there He hired some guides ... they took Him out to the hunting lodge ... and told Him they would go hunting in the morning ...
The Texan said Naw I'ma going right now ....
About thirty minutes later ... the Texan is beating on the front door ... the guides open the door in comes the Texan with a Grizzly behind Him ....
As He opens the back door & runs out ... He say's "Ya'll skin this one I'ma going after another one" ...
RichB
Well-known member
In a small town near a Canadian Forces Base, a barber opened his shop for business.
On the first day, a young enlisted Army soldier came in to get a hair cut. The barber asked the young soldier about his service and a lot of small talk took place. After the haircut was complete, the soldier opened his wallet and the barber said, "It's on the house, soldier. Thanks for your service to Canada."
The next morning when the barber opened his shop there was a box on his doorstep with a note of thanks and a "Canadian Army" cad pat T-shirt.
That same morning a young Navy sailor comes in for a haircut. The same story happens - they talk about the Navy. After the haircut is complete, the sailor stands and reaches for his wallet. The barber says, "No thanks, son. It's on the house. Thank you for your service to Canada."
The next morning as the man is opening his shop, on the doorstep is a box with a Royal Candian Navy ball cap and a thank you note.
That afternoon, an Air Force Master Warrant Officer comes in for a haircut. He is decked out in his full dress uniform. The barber is impressed and again, the same things happen... small talk about the service. When the MWO goes to pay, again the barber says, "Not required, sir, it's on the house. Thanks for your service to Canada."
You guessed it, the next morning, there on his doorstep................were three more Air Force MWOs!
Cheers,
Rich
On the first day, a young enlisted Army soldier came in to get a hair cut. The barber asked the young soldier about his service and a lot of small talk took place. After the haircut was complete, the soldier opened his wallet and the barber said, "It's on the house, soldier. Thanks for your service to Canada."
The next morning when the barber opened his shop there was a box on his doorstep with a note of thanks and a "Canadian Army" cad pat T-shirt.
That same morning a young Navy sailor comes in for a haircut. The same story happens - they talk about the Navy. After the haircut is complete, the sailor stands and reaches for his wallet. The barber says, "No thanks, son. It's on the house. Thank you for your service to Canada."
The next morning as the man is opening his shop, on the doorstep is a box with a Royal Candian Navy ball cap and a thank you note.
That afternoon, an Air Force Master Warrant Officer comes in for a haircut. He is decked out in his full dress uniform. The barber is impressed and again, the same things happen... small talk about the service. When the MWO goes to pay, again the barber says, "Not required, sir, it's on the house. Thanks for your service to Canada."
You guessed it, the next morning, there on his doorstep................were three more Air Force MWOs!
Cheers,
Rich
Gator
Well-known member
A very drunk patron at a bar is trying to impress everyone with his fighting ability. "I am trained in every hand-to-hand combat there is," he says. To further prove his point, he walks up to Boudreaux, who happened to be in the bar, and whops him behind the neck! "Karate chop from China," he says. Poor Boudreaux gets up off the floor and sits back in his seat, saying nothing. The big man hits him again. "Judo from Japan." L'il ol' Boudreaux once again picks himself up off the floor and continues sipping his beer. The man grabs him putting Boudreaux in a state of suspended animation. "That's a nerve pinch from Korea." After a few minutes, Boudreaux is able to move again. Instead of getting back on his bar stool he walks out. Ten minutes later he walks in with a large board in his hands and hits the drunk square in the head with the board, laying him flat out on the floor. Looking down at his tormenter, Boudreaux says, "Two-by-four from Home Depot."
Swordsman
Active member
Okay so the circus owner in New York is having a bit of a financial trouble. He's at the zoo one day and sees a gorilla come out and rip stuff in the cage from one end to the other. The circus owner thinks "wow if I could get some wild gorillas as a act, my circus that would be able to make me survive. I wouldn't have to declare bankruptcy, so He goes to africa & hires the baddest, meanest, guerrilla hunter in the world. He claims to be able to catch them unharmed & still in their wild form. The gorilla hunters says we have to wait until in the morning. So he goes ahead and retires for the night he's up bright and early in the morning to go hunting, the Hunter comes out he has a gun and a big dog big ass dog. This dog has biggest jaws, the circus owner has ever seen in his life. So off they go to find a gorilla, up in the tree there's one sleeping. Up the tree goes the hunter hands the gun to the circus owner, with the dog waiting at the bottom of the tree. The circus owner says "what I do if the with the gun? The gorilla hunter says don't worry I'll tell you if you need it. The hunter climbed up on the limb, with the gorilla jumps up and down. When the gorilla wakes He hits him with aright cross. Knocks the gorilla out of the tree & falls to the ground, the dog clamps down the gorillas nuts. The gorilla is going nowhere so they put him in the cage. They catch a couple more same thing happens. I really need a big really bad gorilla so the hunter finally finds the biggest baddest gorilla he's ever seen the same thing crimes a tree, lands a right cross, the gorilla shakes it off and knocks the hunter out of the tree. As he's falling to the ground yelling shoot the dog ... shoot the dog !!!
RichB
Well-known member
Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the frist and lsat ltteer is in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
Cehers,
Rcih
Cehers,
Rcih
Bob was about to marry Caroline when his father
took him to one side 'When I married your mother,
the first thing I did when we got home was take off
my trousers,' he said. 'I gave them to your mother
and told her to put them on.' When she did, they
were enormous on her and she said to me that she
couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.
I told her, "Of course they're too big. I wear the trousers
in this family and I always will." Ever since that day,
we have never had a single problem.'
Bob took his father's advice and as soon as he got
Caroline alone after the wedding, he did the same
thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Caroline
and told her to put them on. Caroline said that the
trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly
wear them. 'Exactly,' replied Bob. 'I wear the
trousers in this relationship and I always will.
I don't want you to forget that.'
Caroline paused and removed her knickers
and gave them to Bob. 'Try these on,'
she said, so he tried them on but they
were too small. 'I can't possibly get into
your knickers,' said Bob. 'Exactly,' replied Caroline.
'And if you don't change your bloody attitude,
you never will.'
took him to one side 'When I married your mother,
the first thing I did when we got home was take off
my trousers,' he said. 'I gave them to your mother
and told her to put them on.' When she did, they
were enormous on her and she said to me that she
couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.
I told her, "Of course they're too big. I wear the trousers
in this family and I always will." Ever since that day,
we have never had a single problem.'
Bob took his father's advice and as soon as he got
Caroline alone after the wedding, he did the same
thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Caroline
and told her to put them on. Caroline said that the
trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly
wear them. 'Exactly,' replied Bob. 'I wear the
trousers in this relationship and I always will.
I don't want you to forget that.'
Caroline paused and removed her knickers
and gave them to Bob. 'Try these on,'
she said, so he tried them on but they
were too small. 'I can't possibly get into
your knickers,' said Bob. 'Exactly,' replied Caroline.
'And if you don't change your bloody attitude,
you never will.'
